Everyone who has led in student ministry can share endless stories that will end in laughter, disbelief, heartache, tears, mourning, celebration, and every emotion in between. Yet as I think back on the past seven or so years of student ministry in my life, there are a few things that I wish someone had sat me down and shared with me. And when I would have surely nodded my naïve and energetic head and replied, “Sure, sure, sure, I got it!” maybe that person sharing with me would have been kind enough to repeat themselves, because we often need reminding of the things that are most important.

This is the way we are wired as humanity, and God knows this. He grants us the gift of personal experience to draw us nearer to him and to gain wisdom through our lives and ministries. And so, here I’ve tried my best to list out just three things that I wish I had really known before I started as a student pastor, from m y own life and experience. No doubt, these are tied into how I am wired, but I hope that you find encouragement and may connect with at least one of these points.

1. You do not, and indeed should not, do it all.

At the beginning of any new thing, you will have to be the one to make it all happen. But don’t fool yourself into believing you’re irreplaceable. The sooner you identify adults AND students that have the capacity to step up and begin to own little pieces of the ministry you’re leading, the better. The better off you will be in your own ability to increase margin to dream and cast vision for the big picture of where the ministry might be able to move. The better off your volunteer team will be in their ability to feel the ownership and importance of what they are giving their time to assist in accomplishing. The better off your students will be as they are given opportunities to develop in service, in leadership, and in their gifts God has given them.

When you hold onto things too long, you are depriving many, and mainly students, the opportunity to grow into new leadership capacities. To grow into new confidence as they lead amongst their peers. To grow all the students who show up the confidence that genuinely are able to lead right now, right here.

You do not, and indeed should not, do it all.

2. Point them to Scripture.

As you navigate the role we so often call student or youth pastor, you will indeed act as counselor, friend, mentor, pastor, shepherd, perceived enemy, coach, scholar, and much more. Whether you find yourself in a conversation with a student or an adult leader, after you have listened well, patiently, and intentionally, you are expected to speak. To council. To vocalize something. And there is something that is more time tested than anything else that could come out of your mouth: God’s own words.

I am a classic people-pleaser. When my words and presence can find significance for others, I feel worthy and validated. This is a deadly attribute to leave unchecked when leading in ministry. My words, and yours, can and will be used by the Lord to minister to others. But never mistake your attempts at wisdom for being the ultimate and best solution.

Whether you find yourself walking through a conversation about self-harm (1 Cor. 6:19-20, Rom. 5:6, Ps. 9:9-10), overwhelming anxiety (Phil. 4:6-7, Josh. 1:9, Prov. 3:5-6, Ps. 55:22), acceptance from others (Gal. 1:10, 1 Thess. 2:4, Rom. 12:2) lust and pornography (2 Tim. 2:22, 1 Cor. 6:13, Gal. 5:16), living with a boyfriend/girlfriend with a leader (Eph. 5:3, 1 Cor. 6:18, 1 Thess. 4:3-5), or any other situation, using the rightful context and words from Scripture not only provides the truest wisdom, but is the beginning of teaching your students and leaders to rely on God’s Words and not your own. You will leave them or they leave you, eventually. A job change, their graduation or moving away, the time will come. Begin setting them up to trust God and go to God first as soon as you can.

Point them to Scripture.

3. You’re their Pastor before you’re their friend.

Student ministry is a unique animal to attempt to tame. Students show up looking for connection, community, fun, truth, food, a dating pool, and friends. Be it through conversation, games played together, overnighters and retreats with hilarious shared memories, or other ways, you will likely find it easy and tempting to gain relational equity through becoming buddies and besties with your students.

What do friends do with friends? They laugh, they eat, they share; all great. But they also vent, complain about their parents, and seek validation in their feelings. And you must always be for your students and for their parents and families, as well. This means you do not join in the conversation when others “…can’t believe your mom has that rule! So unfair!” Unfair or not, as their Pastor, you protect your students while also protecting their families and parents.

Before you are a friend, you are a Pastor. A leader that brings Jesus into each moment and conversation. A leader that brings wisdom, even when it stings (Prov. 27:17, Prov. 27:6). From the very beginning, lead both your adult volunteers as well as your students wearing the hat of a Pastor before that of a friend. It’s a poor leader that chases easy “ins” in relationship by participating in or allowing gossip, complaints, or unhealthy activities and habits.

You’re their Pastor before you’re their friend.

Friend, as you read these three short points, know that you do not have to walk through ministry alone. Even if you don’t have a large team, you do have a large Church family. Perhaps through being the one to initiate a phone call and lunch with the youth leader at the church down the road to share and process together. Perhaps through connecting with the Northview Network and attending a one day gathering to meet and connect with other like-minded leaders. We have resources, connections, and relationships that have been offered because Northview Church believes that the Church is one big family. You do not have to be alone.